13 questions to ask your couple before you get married!
When it comes to marriage, what you don’t know can hurt you.
Whether it’s embarrassment, lack of interest, or a desire to preserve the mystery of romance, couples don’t ask themselves some tough questions that, according to relationship experts, can help build the foundation for a stable marriage.
In addition to looking for someone with whom they want to have children and build a safe life, those who think of marriage now hope that their partners will also be their best friends and confidants. It can be difficult to live up to such expectations, which are partly Hollywood’s fault.
Sure, there are many questions couples can ask themselves at the start of a relationship to make sure they are for each other, but let’s be honest: most don’t.
“If you don’t deal with a problem before marriage, it will touch you when you’re married,” said Robert Scuka, the executive director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement. It can be difficult to keep secrets decade after decade, and reserving certain information before the wedding can lead to disappointment later.
The intimate and sometimes awkward questions below are designed to start honest conversations and possibly give couples a chance to reveal their secrets before it’s too late.
1. Did your family throw dishes, discuss problems calmly, or get stuck when disagreements arose?
The success of a relationship is based on how differences are resolved, said Peter Pearson, founder of the Couples Institute. Since we are all shaped by the dynamics of our family, he said, the answer to this question will help them understand whether or not their partner will end up mimicking the conflict resolution patterns they learned from their parents.
El éxito de una relación está basado en cómo se resuelven las diferencias, dijo Peter Pearson, fundador del Couples Institute. Ya que todos estamos moldeados a partir de la dinámica de nuestra familia, dijo, la respuesta a esta pregunta les ayudará a entender si su pareja terminará imitando los patrones de resolución de conflictos que aprendió de sus padres o los evitará.
2. Will we have children? And if we do, will you change diapers?
With the kids issue, it’s important that you don’t just say what you think your partner wants to hear, says Debbie Martinez, a divorce and relationship therapist. Before getting married, couples should honestly discuss whether they want to have children. How many want At what point do you want to have them? And how do you imagine your roles as parents will be? Talking about birth control before planning a pregnancy is also important, according to Marty Klain, a sex and marriage therapist.
3. Will experiences with our exes help us or be an obstacle?
Bradford Wilcox, director of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia, pointed to research funded by his organization that having many serious relationships can present a risk of divorce and lower the quality of the marriage. Posing these problems early in the relationship can help, Dr. Wilcox said. Dr. Klein said that people “hesitate to speak explicitly about their past” and may feel retroactively jealous or prejudiced. “The only way to have an intimate, productive and loving conversation is to accept that the other person had a life before being in a couple,” he said.
4. How important is religion? How will we celebrate religious holidays, if we do?
If two people have different religions, will each follow their religious affiliation? Dr. Scuka, Executive Director of the National Institute of Relationship Enhancement, has worked with couples to encourage honest discussions on this topic. Also, couples are much more likely to experience conflict around religious traditions when children are part of the equation, says Dr. Wilcox. If they decide to have children, they must ask themselves how they will handle the religious education of the children. Better to have a plan, he added.
5. Is your debt my debt? Would you be willing to bail me out?
It’s important to know how your partner is feeling about financial self-sufficiency and whether you expect the resources to be separated, said Frederick Hertz, a divorce attorney. Being honest about debt is very important. Similarly, if there is a significant discrepancy between your income and that of your partner, Dr. Scuka recommended creating a basic budget based on proportional income. Many couples are unable to talk about finances, although it is crucial, he said.
6. How much is the most you would be willing to spend on a car, a sofa or a pair of shoes?
Couples should see if they are attuned to financial caution or recklessness. Buying a car is a great indicator, according to Hertz. Couples can also put this question in context by asking about things they could spend exorbitant amounts of money on, he said.
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By forming a marriage, some people hope to retain their independence in certain areas of their lives as they build a relationship, according to Seth Eisenberg, the president of Pairs (Practical Application of Intimate Relationship Skills). This means that they may not be willing to share hobbies or friends, and that can lead to tension and feelings of rejection if the topic is not discussed. Couples may also have different expectations of what “privacy” means, Klein added, and that should also be discussed. Dr. Wilcox suggested asking your partner when is the time they need to be alone the most.
8. Do we like our parents?
As long as you and your partner are a united front, having a bad relationship with in-laws can be manageable, Dr. Scuka said, but if a couple is unwilling to discuss the matter with their parents, it can be a bad omen for health. of the relationship. At the same Dr. Pearson said that considering the strengths and weaknesses of your parents may clarify future patterns of attachment or detachment in the relationship.
Today, people expect their partner to sexually arouse them for an extended period, an expectation that did not exist in the past, according to Eisenberg. A healthy relationship will include conversations about what everyone enjoys about sex, as well as the expected frequency, Dr. Klein said. If people are looking for a different experience through sex, perhaps a negotiation will be necessary to ensure that both are satisfied.
10. How far can we go when flirting with other people? Is it okay to watch pornography?
Dr. Klein said couples should talk about their attitudes and expectations regarding pornography, flirting and sexual exclusivity. A couple’s agreement on these issues can change over time, and it most likely will, but it is important to raise the issue quickly. Ideally, sexual exclusivity should be discussed in the same way as other day-to-day concerns so that problems can be addressed before someone gets angry, he said. Dr. Pearson suggested asking your partner directly what their views are on pornography. Some people, fearful, avoid this topic early in a relationship, but Klein says it can become a point of tension later.
11. Do you know how many ways I say “I love you”?
Gary Chapman’s book, “The 5 Love Languages” (1992), introduced this way of categorizing expressions of love to strengthen marriage. Martinez gives his clients about to get married a list of the five languages of love: affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service and physical contact. He asks them to mark their primary and secondary languages and also to say what they think their partner’s are and then discuss them. Eisenberg said that a couple needs to figure out how to nurture the relationship in a way that is specific to them.
12. What do you admire about me and what are the things that bother you the most?
Can you imagine that challenges will ever exceed admiration? If so, what would you do? Anne Klaeysen, head of the New York Society for Ethical Culture, said couples rarely consider that second question. Ideally, marriage is a lifelong commitment, she said, and “clicking” isn’t enough. A marriage must go beyond the “click” and the initial chemistry.
13. How do you see us in 10 years?
Keeping the answer to this question in mind can help the couple face conflict while working toward the ultimate goals of the relationship, according to Eisenberg.
Dr. Wilcox said it could also be an opportunity to ask the question whether anyone would consider divorce if the relationship deteriorates, or if they expect the marriage to be for life, no matter what.
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